I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
