You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
