she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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