I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize