Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
