im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
