happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
