I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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