I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
