The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
sex in a hospital.. check
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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