i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
