my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
