Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize