Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
