After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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