you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
