Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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