she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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