party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
The best revenge is premature balding
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
