Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
