I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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