Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i just wanna soil my oats bro
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
