no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
