I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
