I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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