my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
