My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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