I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
