She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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