I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
