Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
