I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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