Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
