I wish I could teleport
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
