I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
