Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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