i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
