i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
