happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
