Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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