Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
