I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
