YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
