i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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