No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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