I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
