hell yes lets make some ravioli
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
