So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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