It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
