The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i now understand why vodka
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
