that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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