we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
