the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's rum buckets o'clock
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
