woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
