Moan for me like Helen Keller
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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