I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
