Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Randomize
