The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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