I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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