She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Randomize
