I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
