I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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