god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
