My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
