Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
